Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
