someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
