the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
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