I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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