Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
