Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
