Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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