u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
