I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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