True but thats because hes a fetus.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
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