If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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