ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
