mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
