My hand turned me down
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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