Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
