i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just want to make out with him forever
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
