He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
