i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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