Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
