They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
