just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
