I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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