she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
