I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
