I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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