They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
