what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize