Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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