there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
