my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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