the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
