umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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