I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
