I'm so fucking centered right now
there's paper in my vomit.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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