just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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