All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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