i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
