i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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