If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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