just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
