My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
