I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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