How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
