ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
