he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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