If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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