she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize