How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
