I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize