I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you had me at cake vodka
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
