so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
