I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize