the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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