Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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