I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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