so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
