I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
